Voice Mail Hell:
911

Please note:

Our head geek was recently contracted to build a new voice mail system for a major metropolitan police department. Below is his solution to their overtaxed 911 emergency call line.

Our engineer's solution to the 911 through-put problem.

MEMO: Automation of 911 voice response line, project #823.

After thoroughly analyzing the problem/situation I have drafted a solution that is tailored to the client's needs. Below is an outline of the major components of the system. I've decided a properly configured voice-mail system with fine granularity should increase the efficiency of their 911 response system by approx. 42% (A-weighted scale).

When a customer (victim) calls (queries) their system, they will be presented with the following voice mail options:

  • If you are being shot at,
    press 1.

  • If you are being stabbed,
    press 2.

  • If your husband is beating you,
    press 3.

  • If your ex-husband is beating you and he is an ex-football player, and media "personality,"
    press 4.

  • If your psychotic, crack-head/junkie, drug-dealing neighbors are disturbing the peace by firing off their Uzi's and tormenting their rottweilers & pit bulls,
    press 5.

  • If you are feeling suicidal,
    press 6.

  • If your apartment has been broken into by your psychotic, crack-head/junkie, drug-dealing neighbors,
    press 7.

  • If your house is on fire,
    press 8.

  • If you've been injured in an accident, and need a personal injury attorney,
    press 9.

  • If you've been injured in an accident, and require an ambulance,
    press 0.

  • For all other queries, please call during normal business hours (9 a.m. to 5 p.m. -- Monday through Friday).

I believe that the above system will optimize efficiencies, reduce the load on their information system network and deliver to the customer (victim) a more "user-friendly" response. I'm looking forward to doing a "walk-through" with the clients next Tuesday, to get their input.






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Changes last made on: Sun Aug 18 10:31:07 1996
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